Ranma's Enemy
by Awkward Ninja
Summary: Some jerk has added another curse to the life of Ranma Saotome. Rated M for suggestive themes.


Disclaimer: None of this really exists. I didn't write it. You didn't read it. The characters portrayed herein are not mine. Of course, what you're reading doesn't exist, so it's a moot point.

Ranma's Enemy

By: Awkward Ninja

The Blue Thunder practiced his sword skills only lightly in the kendo hall. There hardly seemed to be any point any more. Tatewaki Kuno would never win Akane; that much was clear. Ranma Saotome had too much of a hold on her.

Kuno sighed resignedly as he thought of Ranma Saotome. He had to admit that he could never defeat that one. Ranma Saotome was the only one to whom Kuno had to admit defeat. Even if Kuno were able to defeat Ranma, it would do him no good. Akane was so enthralled by that man that Kuno doubted she'd be deterred unless Ranma stooped to something extremely dishonorable. That pigtailed cretin had won.

Kuno sighed mournfully as he thought of the pigtailed girl, also known as Ranma. She rebuffed him time and again. Everyone claimed that she was as one with Ranma Saotome; supposedly this was the reason they had the same name. While Kuno did not understand the specifics, it was clear that Ranma, Ranma, and Akane were happy with their situation.

Kuno chuckled mirthlessly as he thought about said situation. Nabiki Tendo, sister to Akane, had called it "two timing." Ranma Saotome not only did the same as Kuno wished, but with the very same girls as he wished as well. Ah, the ironies of fate!

It was in the midst of these musings that the pigtailed girl entered the kendo hall. She wore the same Chinese clothes that both Ranmas tended to wear. It was unusual for her to enter Kuno's presence knowingly, much less enter his sanctuary on the school grounds.

"Ah, Ranma!" Kuno greeted her in monotone with a false smile as his heart broke at the sight of her.

"Kuno-sempai!" she collapsed into his arms and looked up at him with teary eyes.

"Ranma, Are you alright?" Kuno asked in true concern. Although he'd had fantasies of this nature, he wasn't nearly delusional enough to expect one to come true. This portended woe… unless Kuno could diagnose the nature of the problem and administer the cure.

"I've… always wanted to tell you," the girl choked, "You were partially right! Ranma does have me, body and soul, as a result of magic, but it is a curse on the both of us!"

"P-Pigtailed girl!" Kuno lapsed, forgetting that both this girl and Akane had admonished him time and again to use her proper name.

"But the magic has weakened, and I am able to speak as myself when I stand in his place. Kuno-sempai, I love you. Your dashing charm won me from the first!" the girl buried her head in his chest after this confession.

Kuno was dazed for a moment. He had always wanted to hear these words… well, not exactly _these_ words, but words approximating these. What course of action was customary in this situation?

"Pigtailed girl," Kuno spoke after a moment, "What is this curse?"

"Oh, brave warrior!" the girl looked up at him again, "Would you… seek to break it: to save me?"

"I would do so gladly," Kuno released her and she composed herself.

Then she took off her pants.

"Oh, pigtailed girl! I shall give you what you need!" a noble, self-sacrificing Kuno began to move toward her with open arms. Before he came very close, she roughly shoved him away.

"Oh… _eager_ warrior, that is not exactly what I meant," she said in a somewhat strained voice. She slipped off the men's boxers she was wearing before putting her pants back on, "Your noble resolve moves me, but please hold onto these as a token of our love until I can find the way to break this curse, then we may become intimate without worrying the good and kind Miss Akane."

"Yes, pigtailed girl," Kuno agreed, moved to tears of joy and enthusiastic confusion as he clutched the pair of Ranma's boxers.

The girl gave him one deep kiss and left him there in the Kendo hall, stunned.

Ranma left the mostly empty school grounds with the backpack she'd hidden before entering the kendo hall. Visiting Kuno was a good place to start on fixing her many problems; almost no one else was at Furinkan at this time of the morning, so it was unlikely she'd be seen even if he proved to be too "Kuno" to be of use. What to do next?

She had walked only a few blocks before Ryoga stumbled into her.

"Watch it, Ranma!" he growled as he backed off and cooled down somewhat, "Err… I don't suppose you can help me get back to the Tendo's?"

"Ryoga! I've never been so happy to see you!" Ranma exclaimed in relief, "I have something I have to tell you!"

Ryoga was taken aback at this reaction, to put it lightly, "Are you… okay, Ranma? Did you… hit your head again?"

Ranma grimaced slightly, "I'm okay for now… nothing Dr. Tofu couldn't fix."

"So, what is this about?" Ryoga asked suspiciously.

"It's Akane. She's been hit with a curse," Ranma began. Ryoga gasped dramatically.

"Ahem, yes. See, some guy calling himself Cupid, master of marital arts, followed us around the other day until Akane smiled at me. That's when he used a magic arrow to lock her into liking me," Ranma explained.

"Oh. Another 'terrible' curse for Ranma Saotome," Ryoga growled bitterly.

"Ryoga, have you ever been hugged _really_ tightly by Akane?"

Ryoga turned blue in the face.

"Yes," Ranma suddenly looked around nervously, "and she's started doing it all the time. It's worse than the mallet!" The girl shuddered visibly.

"W-what do you need me for?" Ryoga asked. Truthfully, Akane didn't crush him too often as P-Chan when she'd kept him in her bed, but when she had…

"I need someone to go pick up a special flower that grows only in Hokkaido."

"Why can't you do it?"

"Look, she follows me, all right? What do you think she'd do if we were traveling? Do you think she'd only crush my torso?"

Ryoga turned first red, then purple, and then green as various images infuriated, embarrassed, and horrified him.

"I didn't know where you were, so I was going to ask Kuno, but he's hopeless. It can only be someone that likes Akane, so you've got to do this, Ryoga. Her sanity depends on it," Ranma spoke to her rival passionately.

"Okay. I'll do it, Ranma," Ryoga nodded, "But I'm not doing it for you." Ryoga walked off into the east without further words.

Ranma closed her eyes, sighed, and headed for Dr. Tofu's to change form.

It was a short time after his side trip that Ranma found himself approaching the Tendo residence. Even as he neared, Shampoo was arriving with a breakfast tray.

"Damn! What is she thinking!?" Ranma muttered to himself in agitation as he hurried up beside her.

"Shampoo," Ranma addressed the Amazon girl.

"Nihao, Airen!" Shampoo smiled cutely at her reluctant fiancée.

"Shampoo, I hadn't expected to tell you so soon…"

"Tell Shampoo what?" Shampoo asked in confusion, "Why Airen outside? Is early for Airen, no?"

"Shampoo… I… I slept with Ukyo last night," Ranma admitted guiltily.

"What!?" Shampoo threw the tray vertically in shock, "Airen must be joke!"

"Akane got cursed the other day and she's been chasing me around and crushing my ribs. I had to get out of there, so I went to Ukyo's and..."

Ranma's face turned downward in shame.

"Airen!" Shampoo wept, "Airen! Shampoo still love! Shampoo kill spatula girl and make it okay!" Shampoo stormed off while sobbing.

"Oh no," Ranma thought, "I hadn't expected this so soon. I've got to warn Ucchan!"

Ranma reached Ukyo's restaurant in record time. He'd told her that he was going to tell Akane and Shampoo that he loved Ucchan that day and that he needed to prepare before breaking the news.

The door was unlocked when he arrived. He made his way into the restaurant and called out to his childhood friend.

Ukyo had been setting up for early morning sales when she heard her beloved. She rushed to him from behind the counter urgently, "Ranchan? Why are you so agitated?"

"It's Shampoo! She's coming here to kill you!"

"Aw, honey, Shampoo isn't going be able to hurt me, but thanks for your concern."

"But, Ucchan!"

"Shh! I'll take care of Shampoo. You hurry to school. I'll bring you lunch today, so don't worry," Ukyo reassured him as he nodded and left the building.

Ukyo wasn't sure about this at all. Shampoo would be tough, particularly when Ranma was at stake. Oh well, it couldn't be helped.

Outside, Ranma was stung by guilt. He felt like he had just thrown his childhood friend to the wolves. Well, this was what love did, after all. He hurried to St. Hebereke; he had to get there and back to the dojo before Akane left for school. It was absolutely crucial.

At the Tendo household, shortly thereafter, Akane called out to Ranma in front of his room, "Hey, Ranma! You've got to get-!"

Ranma slid the door open. He was already awake.

"Geez, Ranma, you look like hell," Akane observed.

"You would know, tomboy," Ranma said as he stuck his tongue out.

"Oooh!" Akane seethed, "No, Ranma, I'm not going to let you get to me today." She turned and headed downstairs for breakfast.

Ranma turned one eye to the glass he'd painstakingly glued together before shaking his head and following suit.

It seemed only minutes before Ranma and Akane arrived at Furinkan.

"Wow, Akane, I've managed to make it all the way to school without being splashed. Maybe I deserved a reward?" Ranma laughed good naturedly.

"Pervert," Akane replied softly. Their relationship had evolved over time to become almost what Akane would term 'normal.'

"Kuno's standing over by the entrance. Do you think he's gonna relapse into hitting on us?" Ranma asked with chagrin as he approached the kendoist with Akane.

_Almost_ normal. It was also possible that Ranma had made her into a pervert too; for some odd reason, Akane had to suppress a smirk.

"Ah, Saotome," Kuno spoke, "and Akane. I have accepted the situation."

"Really?" Ranma and Akane asked in stereo.

"Yes," Kuno replied, "Ranma, we don't have to hide our love from Akane. She is strong, and while I fear she will be hurt, we must follow our hearts!"

Ranma blinked.

Akane was struck in a kind of mute shock.

"What're you playing at, Kuno?" Ranma raised an eyebrow.

"Ranma, I understand your curse," Kuno closed his eyes, "I accept it. You've wanted to wait until you could separate from the man whose body you currently reside in so that you each could find your own happiness individually… but let's not wait. Half the time, you are the girl of my dreams!"

"What the hell, Kuno!?" Ranma became furious, "Have you finally lost it completely!?"

"Wait, Ranma," Akane spoke with a grin, "This is Kuno, remember?"

"Ms. Tendo, we have deep feelings for you and would wish for you to join us, but our love cannot be denied!" Kuno produced the pair of boxers he'd been left with earlier. They were unmistakable. Akane had seen that very pair on a number of (non-perverted, thank you!) occasions.

Her face twitched spasmodically through a series of indescribable emotions.

"Akane! What he's saying is complete garbage!" Ranma turned to her.

"Home wrecker!" Akane shouted as she sent Kuno soaring away with her mallet.

For a moment, Ranma felt relief. Then Akane turned to him with blazing eyes, "Hussy!"

Ranma went flying in a different direction. He flew a considerable distance, probably setting some kind of record. He landed face first on a concrete sidewalk and skidded a few yards before coming to a rest. His last thought before losing consciousness was "Hussy? What the hell?!"

Kuno, on the other hand, flew high enough that his mortality dominated his conscious thought. Admittedly, he was partially dismayed at having dropped Ranma's token of affection, but that was secondary to visions of his life flashing before his eyes. Before he hit the ground, though, a ribbon lashed out and brought him to relative safety, although not without injury.

"Sister dear, you have saved me," Kuno tried to stand, but he winced and dropped to a knee. The siblings were on a rooftop somewhere in the vicinity of Furinkan.

"Brother dear, is it true that you have confessed love for one who inhabits the same body as my darling?" Kodachi asked Kuno in a dangerous tone.

For one of few times in his life, Kuno's inner monologue said "Uh oh."

Ranma awoke in Dr. Tofu's office. A clock was ticking somewhere.

He looked around dizzily and took vague note that there were bottles of hair dye on a nearby counter, as well as a backpack on the floor beside.

A dark haired pigtailed girl in Chinese clothing similar to his entered his field of view. She smiled at him ecstatically.

"Who're you?" He asked groggily.

"Me? I'm your one and only love. You can call me Ranko. All of your fiancées and rivals have _other_ things to worry about now. Yes, now it's just you and me," She smiled and crawled onto the bed Ranma lay on. Her head rested softly on his chest as she sighed in contentment.

Trying to put some mental distance from the cute and disturbing girl cuddling him, Ranma thought back to that mirror he'd bought for Akane: the one he'd broken and spent the entire night gluing back together with a special glass mending glue that he'd had to fight Mousse for, only to find that he'd lost one tiny piece somewhere. He'd planned to tell Akane that she was actually pretty cute and that he figured she could use another mirror. Well, that was ruined.

Damn it.

He struggled, but realized that the girl resting on top of him was incredibly strong. Almost as strong as…

"Shh… if you make too much noise, Dr. Tofu will walk in and see us together. He doesn't know there are two of us. I want to snuggle some more before people learn about the new girl in town," Ranko spoke in a peaceful tone. Ranma felt a cold fear at this situation, but this was soon eclipsed as he thought about what Akane would think if she witnessed or even heard about this wrinkle.

Damn it.

As a side note, Ryoga was gone for three weeks before realizing that he had no idea what sort of flower he was supposed to be looking for. (Hey, it takes a lot of time and mental energy to get to Hokkaido, especially when you _want_ to get there. Lay off!)

Fin

AN 7/29/07

I hope the lack of dividers doesn't hurt the story. Onomatopoeia shrugs for me.


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